In which a woman gets smacked

Part three.

Because Henry’s is a bit fancier than my usual dive, I try to keep my inappropriate noises, my swearing, and my wild arm movements under wraps. I failed with the arm movements, smacking a woman in the face as she walked behind me. Please don’t ask, I was obviously telling a compelling narrative. I think I did okay with the swearing, but truth be told, it’s such a part of me I don’t even realize I’m doing it half the time. (Hell damn fart. Crap boobs crap.) Did someone say something?

Inappropriate noises? At this point there was no need to worry. Even after two beers and a mai tai I hadn’t made a peep. Not even to stifle a burp. No small feat, trust me. I just burped typing that sentence. It’s serendipitous, if you really think about it.

Finally, Allie and I had stalled long enough: I’d spent my allotted amount of money for the evening and I’d bruised my ass. That meant it was time to head over to the aforementioned unnamed bar. We walked back to the car (I would like to point out that I found a parking spot a mere 2 blocks from Henry’s. On a Saturday night. In the Pearl. Please take a moment for a hushed awe), drove down to China Town (again, I found a spot only 2 blocks from unnamed bar. It was parking kismet) and started walking to the bar.

All that moving around must have jostled something loose because just as we passed the Classical Chinese Gardens I belched. Not just a regular burp. Not an “I just drank Pepsi for the first time in weeks” burp. Not an “I just ate an apple too fast” belch. (Don’t tell me you don’t burp after eating apples.) It was a definite winner and I was feeling like I had made room for some more beer. Then someone yelled out “Nice one!” from inside a car half a block away. I turned around and yelled “Thank you! Appreciate it!” “I’d give it a 7!” He yelled back. I curtsied to show my gratitude but then called back "It was at least an 8." It was a lovely interaction and now ranks as the second best thing anyone’s ever yelled at me from a moving car.

What’s the first best thing you ask? It’s a bit of a digression, but because it’s so amazing I’m compelled to share. Plus I’d forgotten all about it until Saturday night.

I was living in Corvallis and it was… 2003… I guess. I was walking through downtown on my way to the post office when it happened. Are you ready?

“If you drop 5 pounds, I’d bone you!” There are so many things wrong with that, I don’t know where to start. My first reaction was to look around and see if anyone else had heard it. Second reaction? To scoff at his use of the term ‘bone.’ Really? Bone? Ugh, I shudder just typing it. Final thought. 5 pounds? That’s all?! I’ll head over to the gym right now and get started, maybe I’ll get some! Of course that was 15 pounds ago, I’m not sure I’d be so lucky now.

Coming up: Crowds give someone gas. And it’s not pretty.