My life seems to moves at two speeds: super fast, blasting across the alkali flats in a jet powered, monkey navigated... it goes on like that (also, that's a Simpsons quote) or nothing happens ever and I get annoyed and bored. For weeks Insurance Company A (and then B) was doing nothing and then BAM both told me to get estimates and “they wouldn’t have a problem paying me.” Right. Again, the pessimist knows what’s coming.
Last week I went to different body shops and no one would give me an estimate because my car is totaled. Twice. The guy at Kuni said I should call Insurance Company A and tell them about both accidents and just be straight with them. And I was like fuck you, I'm going to get fucked over if I do that. (I didn't say the first part out loud (cause that’s mean) but I did say the second part (swearing is how I make friends)). He instead started telling me how nice the new BMWs are and that they have warranties and all this BS and bitch please, you think I drive a 1995 piece of crap that sounds like a freight train with tape over the check engine light, doors that don't lock (and one that's stuck shut), giant dents in either side, a turn signal that falls out if I go over speed bumps too fast that I can’t take through the car wash because the inside fills with water because I have a duffel bag full of cash in the trunk that doesn't open? Fuck you again and again.
Anyway.
There are so many options and variables and unknowns floating around my head and occupying my every thought. What if I don’t get any money and I’m stuck with a worthless (twice) car? What if I somehow manage to get both insurance companies to (rightly) pay for repairs? Do I keep my car (if A or B don’t take it in the process)? Do I get a new one? Do I go without a vehicle (which I’ve never done before)? Again, there’s all that crazy. So my friend Elyse, who used to be my gym buddy until she defected to North Carolina, came up with a handy quiz (which appeals to the part of me that still wishes I could read Seventeen magazine quizzes that will tell me if the boy in my math class really does like me. SPOILER ALERT: he doesn’t) to help me decide what I want to do, regardless of any other factors. One of the questions made me laugh and laugh and laugh. It’s a completely reasonable question but one that is truly… well, laughable. So here it is, reprinted with my permission.
Do you see your car as a status symbol?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Totally legit question, but if you saw my car right now... oh lawdy. I was downtown the other night and since my car won't lock (or rather unlock so I can't lock it) I like to make it look as terrible as possible to deter possible thieves or ran sackers (though there’s nothing of value to steal now that my beer tokens were taken), with dents on both sides it's not hard to do, but I pull out the turn signal just for good measure and this guy saw me and started laughing. I explained (summed up) and he just laughed harder and was like "maybe they'll take pity and leave a twenty in there for you." It was... pretty hilarious. So short answer long... no. No I don't.
Also nobody left me a twenty.
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