Why do my car mishaps crack me up so much?

My car hasn't locked in like 7 months... well it locks but then it doesn't unlock with the key so I just leave it unlocked all the time. I apparently have issues with owning cars that allow for proper storage; while my first car actually did lock the driver's side door handle was broken so I just left her unlocked all the time. If someone's going to bust into a 20 year old Volvo to steal crap then we'll just let them feel good about themselves for doing so and make it easy. At least then they wouldn't have busted a window and cost me $500 so they could steal nothing. Except for my cds that one time. That was my bad for forgetting them, but that doesn't make it okay for people to take shit. 

Jack (my current car- I have a complex in which I name or nickname everything and everyone I come into contact with) has been fine since I've started leaving him unlocked, thanks Portland. All winning streaks must come to an end though (right LA? HA!) and on Thursday morning when I left for work the door was ajar and the glove compartment was open. Damn kids. I was annoyed with them for rifling through my stuff but also spent the whole drive to work laughing, they tore the car UP but I couldn't even tell, my car is so full crap like old shoes and a broken umbrella and mix cds that are scratched beyond recognition. 

The only thing of any value at ALL in the entire car is my death star (should that be capitalized?) key chain that hangs around the rear view mirror and they left that thank goodness! Oh and all my canvas grocery bags and even though they're only $1 each I'm glad they left them, I've bought so many already. 
 

It took me till this afternoon to realize what was actually taken because they left a single one on the floor mat, taking the other 14 or so. Leftover beer tokens from the Oregon Brewers Festival. You. Bastards. Though in all fairness they had been sitting in my car for almost 3 years now. I volunteered there once and they paid me in tokens. And as much as I love beer and festivals devoted to things that I love there were just too many damn people and crowds give me gas. I've never been back because the thought of touching other people in the dead of summer freaks me out so the tokens just sat there and unused. I tried to pawn them off on people but never had any takers. So hopefully the damn kids will get some use of them.

While I was rummaging around trying to see what, if anything, was taken I did find two things I'd been searching for. A CD case from the library that years ago I paid a fine for losing was back there. And my sunscreen that I looked for that one day it was sunny. Maybe it'll come in handy in August, we'll see. So thanks ransackers for unearthing some hidden gems for me. Much obliged, I'm sure.

The worst part of all this is that if they had closed the door and the glove compartment I probably wouldn't have even noticed anything was amiss for a couple days. The damn kids didn't get anything of real value, except maybe some sort of airborne pathogen from all the shit in my car and they helped me find something I'd been searching for! Win win! I was seriously laughing my ass off on the way to work thinking of what they thought they'd find in a BMW and only finding crap piled on top of crap. Seriously, a baggie of pistachio shells, a half a roll of toilet paper, an empty perfume bottle. They could have at least thrown everything in a garbage bag and taken it with them, it would've helped me out a lot.


And yes, I'll clean it out this weekend I promise.

Weeks 16-17

5/3 - 5/17

...in which it's really been 52 weeks.

On May 17, 2010 I decided I was too fat. Too fat again. How did this happen? I blame beer and fudgesicles. Totally all their fault.

With Brittany on our drive down to Vegas the first week of May last year.

I wasn't necessarily unhappy like so many people on fatty reality shows are. I wasn't fat because I was sad, or because I had a rough childhood or because I was scared of who I really was when I wasn't fat. I knew who I was. I was funny, outgoing, smart and pretty damn clever too. Also I swore WAY too much and had substantial burping problems. I still am (and have) all those things, just in a smaller package. I've LITERALLY (yeah, I did that) been working my ass off and it does look fabulous. I'm pretty much forcing everyone to look at it whether they want to or not.

With Brittany again just last week! And yeah, I have a thing for giant sunglasses.

Even though I love Biggest Loser, weight loss is not a journey. I HATE that they call it that, it makes it sound like we should be sad and weepy all the time. Like Odysseus. Oh, did we not read the same copy of The Odyssey? No wonder I hated it so much. It's been hard crappy work that forced me to give up a lot of things I really like. Like my friends and booze. I've just recently started drinking again; many weekends of excess and I think I need to put libations on the back burner for a while. At least till I go to Alaska. But losing weight SUCKS. I'm sweaty all the time, my car smells like a foot because I'm always either on my way to the gym or on my way home from there. And I can't wait till I don't have to count calories anymore, it's SO boring. I don't CARE how many calories are in my Hungarian goulash I just want to enjoy it!

But there's a plus side to all this of course. I love to complain, but you can't argue with results. I can do more at the gym than I ever thought I could (even though I bitch and swear a LOT) and it's totally worth it. I went to the Rogue brewery in Newport last weekend and my three beers, fries and meat did not sit well- my body was definitely rejecting my decisions. I felt like shit that night (totally worth it though GOD I love beer) but it was good to know in real life I'm making the right decisions and my insides are super happy (most of the time). Also, I know a lot of people aren't sure if it's kosher to compliment someone on losing weight, to mention it might be admitting that you thought they were fat before. But guess what. I was fat before. I know I was fat. And I want EVERYONE to notice how good I look and tell me. PLEASE tell me! We all strive for validation and adoration cause it feels good to be appreciated when working so hard to reach a goal.

Also, you can tell me I'm funny too. Because compliments are awesome and looks aren't everything. It's okay to be shallow sometimes, but c'mon. Grow up will you?

PS- Weight? 178. That's 38 total pounds gone (even with a 4 month break over vacations and the holidays!). I've lost just about 15 inches from everywhere on my body. That's science. I've gone from a size 16 to a 10 and an iffy XL to an M. That's math. Shopping is fun now and I love everything just a little more than I did before. Being a skinny bitch is awesome.

Week 15

4/26 - 5/2

...in which everything amazing happens.

This isn't a week for gym and food and weight talk. I did go to the gym and cook and bake. Whoop. I did lose weight and now I'm closer to my goal. Yay. I do need new pants because my 'first stop' goal 12s are way too big now and need to be washed constantly. Another yay. But this past week has been one of the best EVER that I even had to make a list so I wouldn't forget all the cool stuff that happened.

Tuesday morning I got a call from one of my best friends letting me know there was a job opening in her office and I should come by. I curled my hair up real pretty like and rushed over there, ended up with an impromptu interview and an invite for a second. Sweet. I always do well in interviews, it's my ebullient and self-deprecating nature I do believe. I decided I needed to spend some time in the travel section of Powell's because it's pretty much my favorite, first stopping off for tacos, because those are also my favorite. Another one of my best friends texted me to tell me her water's broken and she's in the hospital. Three weeks before her due date! It's slow going but she'll keep me posted. Of course I'm on edge for the the next 24 hours, but that's nothing compared to the 24 hours of labor my friend is in with no consideration to the pins and needles I'm sitting on. But then Wednesday morning BAM there's another person on the planet and she's so so small and so cute I can't stand it.

Thursday I got to visit Ellie (Elisabeth Miriam is way too big a name for such a tiny girl so it's just Ellie) and she's so adorable, when she blinks it's the best thing I've ever seen and every sound and face is like something new and exciting has just happened. I love it but I don't really know who I am anymore.

Thursday night (Friday morning) was, of course, the royal wedding and yes I stayed up for it. My gym buddy spent it with me and, after we made a midnight run to the gym to help us stay awake, there was Boddington's and Newcastle in wine glasses, jam tarts being made at 2:30 in the morning and lots of giggling and talk of fancy hats. It was amazing. Also, I made turkey bacon guacamole burgers and homemade sweet potato fries for dinner that night so it was a pretty unbelievable day/evening/early morning.

Then I found out I got the NEW JOB so I was able to put in my two week notice at my current place (which gave me great joy, even though I'll miss my co-workers very much) and start thinking about a life with a set schedule, weekends off (beer festivals here I come!) and paid vacation. LIKE A GROWNUP! Everything's falling into place.

Now it's time to buckle down and start ignoring my friends again so I can reach the goal I set for myself before I leave for Alaska. 8 pounds in 8 weeks. I've done it before. I can do it again.