Way Back Play Back songs 15-19 (part 6 of 6)

I know, thank baby jesus this CD wasn't any longer, right?

Track 15: Maniac by Michael Sembello released 6/5/1983
What movie is this from? Flashdance? No... I don't think that's right. Oh, of course it's from the classic and iconic 1995 film Tommy Boy, the second of three songs on this CD from the same film. Did we watch this movie too much as children? Did Tommy Callahan eat a lot of paint chips as a kid? You decide.

Track 16: Something Special by Randy Newman released 1988
Randy Newman makes me think of three things: Toy Story, Family Guy and Brin. I've never really known why he reminded me of Brin (the same way John Prine does too) but I think the fact that this song is on my CD is proof that I am justified. Always justified. (DISCLAIMER: This video is clearly from some tween show which I do NOT condone but it's the only version of it I could find. So just listen, please don't watch. Just... don't.)

Track 17: What'd I Say by Ray Charles released 7/1959
I promised three songs from Tommy Boy and here's the final installation. This is a great song no matter what and another fun one to sing at top volume a la Big Tom Callahan. You know, right before he dies. I swear it's a comedy. But you know what, if you haven't seen it, just ring your call button and Tommy'll come back there and hit you over the head with a tack hammer because you're a retard. Ah, my life reduced to simple movie quotes.

Track 18: U Can't Touch This by MC Hammer released 1/13/1990
This song remains a major player in one of the oldest running inside jokes in our family history. It's a long story involving Brin's brother, my brother, a couple chairs, a whole lot of jumping and the elementary school talent show. I was young but as it was happening we all knew this was going to be a pivotal moment in each of our lives. Not unlike Pearl Harbor.

Track 19: Jurassic Park theme by John Williams released 5/25/1993
There are so many things I want to say about this track. I feel like Brin saved the best for last. The first 30 seconds are kind of indistinguishable from any other John Williams soundtrack. Then BAM. Jurassic Park. By the time I made it to track 19 I was already home sitting in my car listening to song after song and it's a good thing I wasn't driving because when I heard this first I started laughing and then I started crying. Yeah. Crying. I'm a girl with real girl feelings not just a black hole where my heart should be. As obsessed as I am with time travel I go bat shit over dinosaurs.

Dinosaurs are rad. We all know this. I watched the shit out of any possible dinosaur VHSs I could get my hands on when I was a kid. My brother and I played with DinoRiders (holy shit it's still a thing!) and I wanted nothing more than to be a paleontologist. When I was 11, my family and Brin's family went to see Father of the Bride in the theater. A trailer for Jurassic Park came on and it was over. I'd never wanted to see a movie more than this one. My life had culminated at that moment. Well, not quite but it felt like it at the time. I still get dinosaur DVDs from the library and watch them like the huge nerd I am. Every once in a while I wonder if paleontology school is an option and if I could ever look good in a khaki shorts and hat combo. To sum up? Dinosaurs are fucking awesome. Jurassic Park is fucking awesome. And Brin is the most fucking awesome of all the things because she put this song on a CD. A CD she made just for me. Thank you, I love you and I can't wait to be best friends for so many more years. PS-Triceratops is the shit.

Way Back Play Back songs 11-14 (part 5 of 6)

Track 11: Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News released 7/1985
I'm mildly obsessed with time travel and am pretty sure my crazy stems from first seeing Back to the Future in the mid to late 80s. Lightning and Libyans and DeLoreans and incest AND Crispin Glover? This movie has it all! Including a kick ASS sound track including this song from Huey Lewis who (fun fact) has a cameo in the movie as the guy with a megaphone that tells Marty's band they're "just too darn loud." Yeah, keep that one in your back pocket the next time you need to impress someone.

Track 12: Cover Girl by NKOTB released 9/22/89
Oh what's this? Another song by New Kids on the Block? Don't you dare judge us it was the 80s. I wore the kind of clothes hipsters can only dream of (sparkly shirts with pink tigers on them, hot pink bike shorts, permed hair, you get it) and I wore them with pride because I was a NINE-YEAR-OLD girl! Lord I hate hipsters.

Track 13: Why by Annie Lennox released 1992
I loved this song when I was younger. I still love it though I don't really know why. Ha, get it? That totally wasn't on purpose. I have to listen again while I type this because I don't know what it is, her voice? The lyrics? Her androgyny? The fact that I always thought David Stewart was dragging her down? No I didn't. It's just a good song and we'll leave it at that.

Track 14: I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston released 11/3/92
Fuck. Yes. I don't care what anyone says. Whitney will always love Kevin Costner and I will always love this song. Another throwback to our almost infinite evenings at Round Table Pizza. Brin's mom hated this song. Like with a passion so of course we'd put quarter after quarter in the jukebox delighting in the groans, not only from our table, but from ALL the tables. I dare you not to sing along at the top of your lungs. Try. You can't do it. Need some wine? I always do. And I will always love you.

Way Back Play Back songs 6-10 (part 4 of 6)

Track 6: Something To Talk About by Bonnie Raitt released 5/20/1991
Bonnie Raitt might be the greatest big-haired ginger the music industry has ever known. And I'll stand by that. I think I wore out my cassette (yeah, I said it) of Nick of Time and had to buy the CD. Such a good album. Such a good song.

Track 7: The Right Stuff by New Kids on the Block released 11/7/1988
Speaking of musical genius, hello Donnie Wahlberg! Just because I was a bit too young to buy into the whole NKOTB nonsense (no I didn't have a lunch box or a pillowcase or any posters) that doesn't mean I couldn't appreciate a good jam. I still remember listening to this song with Brin in...1993? A little behind the times but we were never very cool.

Track 8: Goonies 'R' Good Enough by Cyndi Lauper released 6/6/1985
Duh. It's the fucking Goonies. Pirate treasure, disfigurement, Joe Pantoliano (aka Joey Pants), this movie had it all. Add in a Cyndi Lauper video inexplicably featuring wrestlers (actually not so inexplicable because it's Cyndi Lauper) and lasting 12 minutes and you've got an instant classic. Because it's their time up there! Down here it's our time. It's our time down here! See? Classic.

Track 9: Black or White by Michael Jackson released 11/11/1991
Michael Jackson is my childhood. I still remember exactly where I was when I found out he died. (Damn you Best Buy checker you have no idea what you took from me when you casually mentioned MJ's death!) This song, the rap, Macaulay Culkin, the morphing of faces were my life. Every Michael Jackson song was my life. Most of them still define it. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. The second video is the original ending where he smashes the shit out of a car with a baseball bat and then turns into a panther. It was only shown the one time I think. But huzzah for the internet!

Track 10: Opposites Attract by Paula Abdul released 11/28/1989
Oh what up MC Skat Cat? Just try to keep up with Paula.

Way Back Play Back songs 1-5 (part 3 of 6)

Track 1: Hand in My Pocket by Alanis Morissette released 10/31/1994
In the interest of full disclosure this was NOT the first CD I bought but it was close. Alanis was just angsty enough for a white middle class blonde girl from the suburbs. Plus later she played God in a kick ass movie so she's got that going for her. PS- my first CD was Music Box by Mariah Carey. I was 12, give me a break.

Track 2: When I See You Smile by Bad English released 9/16/1989
Now we're talking. 80s ballad anyone? I have to admit I couldn't remember who sang this song but I knew all the words to the chorus and also I know I never ever want someone to write a song like this about me. And my LORD that hair. Everything awesome about the 80s is right here.

Track 3: She Drives Me Crazy by Fine Young Cannibals released 1/1/1989
The first two songs are awesome but THIS song made me yell "shit yes!" when I heard the opening riff. I mentioned Round Table Pizza in the previous post, that was our gathering spot every Friday night for many years. I watched the Blazers lose the championship to the Pistons (damn you Bill Laimbeer, damn you) in 1990 and again in 1992 to the Bulls. But Mario Bros on the arcade and this song on the jukebox really helped turn those frowns upside down.

Track 4: Superstar by The Carpenters released 8/12/1971
Yes, this one might be a little slow and yes it's a little old to be a childhood memory. But if you've seen Tommy Boy then you know why this is on the CD. That is all.

Track 5: Everywhere You Go "released" 9/22/1987
TGIF. Enough said. When there wasn't a Blazer game on we'd gorge on TGIF shows. Full House, Step by Step, Family Matters, Perfect Strangers it's almost too much talent for one night. When we got older X-Files got added to the mix. Cause nothing balanced out the cuteness of the Olsen twins like Alex Krycek bleeding alien from his eyeballs.

Music is like... music to my ears (part 2 of 6)

I'm not good with metaphors or similes. You'd think I would be but you'd be wrong. So, so wrong.

Some of my favorite presents haven't been things. They've been, you guessed it, experiences. This Christmas my friend Allie took me and another friend to a variety show and we got to dress up and drink fancy drinks and yes I did yell something about the man wearing an eye patch JUST as the music stopped but other than that it was awesome. Same friend (in it for the long haul sucker!) made me a CD for my 21st birthday that introduced me to Gorillaz (still one of my favorite songs) and, well, this. Which is also awesome, but in its own special way. For two years in a row my brother Nathan has taken the Paul Collective to the Trail Blazers v Suns game and this year I'm taking him (Uh, go Blazers).

For my Christmas (Xmas) / Birthday (Bday) present this year my darling Brin made me several mix tapes (CDs) and one in particular I was instructed to listen to first (called "Way Back Play Back" see how clever she is?). I couldn't listen to every song all the way through the first time around because I desperately wanted to hear what Brin put on the CD for me. What is on there is not so much music as it is my life. My life and Brin's life. There was a lot happening in the car ride home: dance party, sing along, laughter, tears. So... just a regular commute for me. With fewer swears. Nah, I'm sure there were plenty of swears.

In the hopes that just one other person will see just one song on this list and it will make them feel the way that I do when I listen to it, I'm putting the whole track list of the "Way Back Play Back" CD up here. It's that awesome. And yes I expect a few of these songs will be embarrassing to admit I like (love/know by heart/want to be buried to) but you know what, sometimes that's the price of happiness.

The best things aren't things (part 1 of 6)

The best things are people. Experiences. Destinations. Stories, music, memories. I know this ideal has been fed to people at the same time they're told to buy new cars, buy bigger TVs, fancy phones and computers and iPads. I have most of these things, mine are just slightly used. I drive a 10 year old car. My 4 year-old laptop (ancient, right?) is broken and I have a 10 year old monitor attached to it. The only reason I have a flat screen TV is because it was payment for wedding photography I did last year. I spend my money on vacations. Sports games (Rip City!). Nights out with friends (even if I have to drive hours to get there, I've done it and I'll do it again). Festivals including any combination of food and alcohol. And yes those things cost money but it's about doing something rather than having something. It might not be the smartest move I could be making with my money but it makes me happy. And for better or worse, impulsiveness or well thought out 401-Ks I just want to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted. John Lennon got it. I'll let future Nicole worry about the finances. That always ends well.

I've mentioned before how good I am at making single-serving friends. I'm also pretty good at making real-life-long-lasting friends. Yeah, I looked that up and it IS hyphenated, thank you very much. Every person in my life brings something positive to it and I can only hope I do the same for them. Though if all I have to offer is jaded sarcasm and bitter cynicism I'm leaving much to be desired in these friendships.

This is a very long intro (that's another thing I bring to relationships: verbosity) to discuss one of my best friends and what she recently (as in yesterday) brought into my life.

My oldest (you know what I mean, you're too young and clever to be making tired jokes like that) friend is Brin. We met in 1989 when my family first moved to Portland from Costa Mesa, California and our brothers were in the same class. I'd say we hit it off right away but that's not really true. I hated that I'd been taken away from my life of sun, beaches and Disneyland to a shitty countryside where it snowed. Gross. I might have been a little bitchy and standoffish (it's cuter on a nine-year-old than a 31-year-old but I'm still trying to rock it) and Brin was a little younger than me but not by much and way sweeter than me and her mom suggested (over pizza at Round Table of course) that we start playing a game of hangman. I don't remember who won (for the sake of argument I'll just say that I did) but over that dying wordsmith a friendship of almost 23 years and counting had begun.

Terminator 2 = why I will never like Robert Patrick

I've been single for a long time. 

I like being single. I'm very busy and important and independent and don't have the time or patience or basic listening skills that are needed for a relationship. It's also the reason I don't have pets or children or plants. I murdered a cactus once and wouldn't hesitate to do it again. Self-righteous bitch of a cactus. Being single is a semi-conscious choice, mostly because I find most people boring. 

That's not saying I don't like talking to people, men or women, in fact I love it. But any sustained interest in anyone doesn't usually last past the check-out line at New Seasons. Because I'm so good at making single serving friends, I don't have what some people would consider "normal" conversations. I don't like to talk about the weather, your (or my) work, or what anyone went to college for. (Seriously, one of my best friends is in grad school and I have NO idea what for because even though I've been told multiple times, I don't actually care so it's never been retained.) 

So because I don't (can't) have conversations like a normie I feel I tend to scare away any potential boys (men? Not in Portand) that would buy me food and beer so I don't have to go grocery shopping. I make way more herpes jokes than any one person should. I speak almost exclusively in Futurama or Simpsons quotes. My sarcasm borders on sardonic (nope, it's pretty damn derisive all the time) and I get made fun of for using big words in casual conversation. I swear too much and drink a lot. It doesn't take longer than 10 minutes with me to know I'm slightly unbalanced and definitely unhinged and it doesn't take me more than 10 minutes with someone to know I don't give a shit. 

Here's a snippet from a recent conversation I had with a gentleman: 

ME: "Do you know what date Skynet became self-aware? I can never remember exactly but I always get a little nervous in August."

HIM: "I don't know what that means."

ME: "Seriously? Terminator 2. Joe Morton. Linda Hamilton. No?"

HIM: "I don't really watch a lot of TV."

Gross. No. Over it like a hipster. 

Yes, I brought up a Joe Morton vehicle within 3 minutes of meeting someone new but there are SO many (116 according to IMDb.com) of them it's bound to happen sooner or later right? I'm not writing this as some kind of new year's resolution to get engaged or start acting normally around people I don't know or even to write more. Resolutions fail all the time. I'm writing this because I still can't believe that guy didn't know what Terminator was and I needed a story to go with it.

PS- "I know now why you cry." Also it was August 29th. In 1997. I think we're in the clear.

My allergies make me cranky

What's up Kroger/QFC?

As a member of the growing group of people whose bodies reject everything delicious I have a lot of dietary restrictions and allergies that force me to buy certain foods. Fancy foods. It's the worst. And while you guys have never been my favorite place to shop (too few choices and too expensive) you were close to my house & work and the employees are always nice. Plus when a girl needs chocolate...

First you stopped carrying my bread (ener-g AND food for life) and then my crackers (blue diamond nut thins). I bought waffles (Van's) the other day and they're all crumbly and falling apart (and yes, I'll also be e-mailing them because that's what I do. No I'm not 90 I just like to complain). Your choice of trail mix has gone downhill and my only options now have ingredients I'm allergic to (thanks for ruining everything barley!). My choices of mayos, cream cheeses and anything else vegan are super expensive and limited.

For a store that seems to cater to a more elite clientele (or at least one that is dumb enough to spend extra money for the same thing they could get at Winco or New Seasons) I'm surprised QFC/Kroger would choose to stop carrying products seemingly designed for people that change their diets on a whim based solely on what Oprah tells them. Though I suppose with her off the air it's Dr Oz they're listening to now. He is pretty dreamy. For an old guy.

I'm sure you've stopped carrying these items because I was the only one buying them and since I stopped shopping there when I switched jobs you decided it was time to move on with your choices and replace my reasonably priced GF and vegan nut thins with weird lentil crackers that have milk cream listed as one of the ingredients and cost $5 a box. No thank you QFC.

I didn't plan on shopping at QFC anymore because it's too rich for my blood but now I can't even justify going there for convenience. But when it's 11pm and I desperately need chocolate I'll probably still come in. And baby Jesus help you if it's not on sale QFC... I mean it.

I will never be done with this

     The second accident offered me $750 today for the damage to my car because the first accident caused too much damage and it will be a salvaged title.            

     Herein lies the problem. One. I don’t fucking care if there was prior damage. I got hit. BY A FUCKING CAR.  My own car was destroyed and based on the damage from this accident (by far the worse of the two) I was forced to make the decision to buy a new car rather than fix mine. Two. There is even more damage than just that caused by the original impact. The door has to be SLAMMED HARD to shut properly and as a result the window and speaker have stopped working. Three. Punitive damages. I have never been so stressed or poorly treated in my life. By anyone. Ever. I had to initiate every form of contact until the two most recent phone calls. I have insomnia, my hair has started falling out and I have a doctor’s appointment this week to deal with whatever is happening in my esophagus. I’m guessing some kind of ulcer. You can’t just HIT SOMEONE WITH A FUCKING CAR and ignore them for months. It’s not fucking cool. I will not be placated with a mere $750. I demand $4100 to help fund my purchase of a new car and to alleviate the stress put on me since the car accident. I refuse to be treated like a nuisance that can be bought off for a mere percentage of what I am worth. Not to mention my car. Four. In the time immediately following the accident you were willing to pay for my car to be fixed completely and now you’re offering me $750? FOUR MONTHS LATER? No. That’s not a thing you do to someone. That’s not how this works.

     $4100 right now gets me out of your life. $2000 gets me to go away with only a scathing letter written to print media, the better business bureau and all the higher ups at your company. $750 gets you my ass raped by my fist. Because I have nothing to lose except more sleep, more hair and the lining of my esophagus. Also I’m keeping my car.

Accident number two...

... is almost as shitty as accident number one (get it?). 


Yes, booze and exercise are very well and good ways to vent frustration and annoyance. But I write. And in this case I write letters. It tends to get stuff done. It worked with the first accident and now that I've waited three months for something to happen with the second it's time they got one too. It's a difficult task: I want to express my frustration but not sound like a crazy-ass that is one step away from sending anthrax to the office. I need to make shit happen but not piss anyone off so they make it even harder for me to move on with my life. It helps that I like to write, that I fancy myself a good writer (and not in a stupid hipster "I'm a writer but no one understands my vision, that's why I'm still unpublished" kind of way). I'm a writer in that when I'm frustrated or sad or annoyed or excited or happy it helps me to get it on paper. Otherwise it just sits sits sits in my head and leads to insomnia and alcoholism. And that shit runs in my family. 


I can't wait for this car stuff to be over and done with. It consumes almost all of my waking life and I honestly don't know what will occupy my thoughts when it's over. When I have a car that all the doors open, the speakers and windows work, the trunk and doors unlock, and the brakes and turn signals light up the night sky then I'll be happy. Then my life will have meaning again. When people don't look at my car and judge me. Because I can see it in their eyes. I recognize it because it's the same look I give when I judge judge judge others based on superficial shit.

           "My name is Nicole Paul and I was in a car accident in Portland, Oregon on July 21, 2011. There were three cars involved and I was the last car hit, sitting unsuspecting at the intersection. The accident was caused by Thomas Klauer, who accepted fault at the scene. (I looked him up, he's the Sr VP of Schnitzer Steel and thanks to Forbes.com I know he made $1.4 million last year. Just write me a check dude. Please.)

            In the days following the accident I spoke with Gwen W--- who requested I get an estimate of the damage to my car and e-mail it to her. It took over two months to find an auto body shop in Portland willing to help due to the extreme damage. After finding someone to write the estimate, I e-mailed it to Ms W--- who, after I called to verify receipt, told me to call Brenda S----, the claims manager for Pick N Pull.

            I spoke to Ms S---- on October 10, 2011 and faxed the estimate along with a stamped receipt of the car registration per her request. I have since called Ms S---- three times, on October 12th, October 18th and October 21st each time leaving a message inquiring after the status of my claim; never hearing back if the fax was received or the information supplied sufficient.

            This has dragged on for too long and after driving around for three months in a car that is, quite literally, falling apart because of this accident I feel every day wasted is crucial to my sanity, or any semblance of it I have left.

            Thank you for your speedy resolution to this.

Four months is too many months

This is the letter I will be sending to everyone that works, has ever worked or will ever work for Allstate. The past four months have been my nightmare and I will not give up till I have a check in my hand and the dumb dumb that hit me gets a serious hike in his insurance rates.

"My name is Nicole and I was in a car accident on June 6, 2011 in Beaverton, Oregon: claim no. 020-------. The accident was caused by Shankar K-------- (henceforth referred to as Mr K) who is insured by Allstate. The police were called at his request: no citations were issued & information was exchanged.

Despite the fact that the damage to my car physically and explicitly proves I couldn’t have been going faster than the posted speed limit Mr K insisted I was speeding and hit his car while he was parked on the side of the road. My claim was denied because there were no witnesses other than Mr K’s own passenger. I spoke with my Progressive adjuster Samantha who had proof of liability from her taped conversation with Mr K wherein he accepted fault by saying he was pulling away from the curb and hit my car as I drove by, never mentioning my speed.

Samantha sent the tape to Victoria J------, the Allstate adjustor for my claim, and it was promptly destroyed by her machine. When I contacted Ms J------ she said fault would be placed on Mr K and Allstate would pay for the damage to my car. Unfortunately she failed to document this anywhere. When I faxed the estimate to Ms J------ she was out of the office and my paperwork was denied a second time by a different Allstate employee, filed away in what I can only imagine to be a cavernous Indiana Jones type warehouse.

It has been over four months with no resolution in sight. No one from Allstate ever came to look at my car, I was asked to provide my own estimate, and I have had to make several follow-up phone calls in order to accomplish even the smallest task. I would like the damage to my car to be paid in full as soon as possible so I can put all this nonsense behind me.
Thank you in advance"

There's an epidemic at the gym...

...and it is NOT pretty.

I'm not talking about gingers with too many cleavage freckles. I'm not talking about creepy young guys that wear oversize cargo pants. Though why do I feel like everyone terrible in Portland comes to my gym? Ew.

I'm talking about old men. And short shorts. These are two things that should NEVER go together. If I were more clever I'd think of two things that don't go together as an example. But I'm not. It's a shame really. You can think of something that doesn't go as a pair on your own. No, not those two, they're delicious together and you know it.

Back to the gym. There's this one guy in particular: I call him Short-Shorts. See, told you I'm not that clever. Guess what he does. Other than gross me out by wearing the same pair of super short work out shorts every day, not much of anything. Tonight at the gym? Two more men in hot pant caliber shorts. It's too much. They must see us look at them. The ole up and down with the eyes move? I know I'm not good at hiding my facial expressions. I'm very clearly rolling my eyes and trying not to laugh when I walk by. Also when I see something really bad I kind of stop breathing for a little while. It's weird, I'm not gonna lie. Maybe (probably) they think I have some kind of emotional problem. Maybe they don't get the connection. Maybe they think I'm trying to flirt with them. Guess what, I laugh at everything okay, get over yourself.

But this isn't about me. This is about the gross old men and their ridiculously hairy thighs. That is serious intel I should NOT have on multiple men that frequent my gym. They can't possibly think they look good. Do they? They can't possibly be comfortable. Short-Shorts is almost constantly tug tug tugging on the hem of his shorts in a clearly vain attempt at humility. They have something that'll solve that problem for you champ: they're called pants. Figure it out.